Tonda gossa! I haven't written in a while again, but I'm doing okay. College is stressing me out a little, but I seem to get by anyways. I love the interweb, and I love all my friends on it, and I really sorta wish blogs were big things again. Maybe I would write hella lot more if they were so much more widespread and normal to, well, everyone again. It's so much fun having my own little personal diary where I can write about anything I want to. I kinda want to make the home page look a lot better though, so I guess I'll go and do that sometime. I fucking love my Spotify playlist, I said it in my last entry, but it is so fucking good. I love all the music on it. I am also trying to change my artstyle a little bit so that it looks a little bit nicer to my own opinion. Roko, one of my best friends, is making some damn killer ass ocsm Chytry is my favourite, he's just like me for real. I had an art trade with Lura, another friend of mine, today and it was fun drawing something for her. I hope I can get back into drawing stuff soon, cause as much as I seem to hate drawing, it's fun when I like the result. I need to stop looking at other artists and getting envious, lol, and just focus on my own art and what I like about it. I guess that's the first step to improvement. Okay, well, today was eventful(ish). That stupid EAS test popped up and it was so pathetically quiet that I was actually disappointed. During lunch, there was a stray cat (The same one I saw a while ago~) and some kids were feeding it cat treats. And then I had to give a speech which kinda sucked that I didn't know the topic but, eh, it's okay I guess. My grandma pissed me off today too, but what else can I do but try to ignore her? And, well, stop from lashing out. I seriously hate being touched without permission. Final thing I'll talk about? Uhhh, okay, actually, two things: the first thing is the roleplay I have been doing with another friend group of mine. It is genuinely some of the most fun I have ever had, and also Tatebuzz and Mintmunk are so cute together. That server has ruined my vocabulary horribly but I think it is sorta funny, so I am not mad about it. I also forgot what else I was going to talk about, um, sooooooo... I guess Nantekodda, until next time!
Tonda gossa! Today was very quiet, but I think it was peaceful. I feel a little better, but I still want to take a break from talking to so many people, and just reflect on the stuff that I want to do, what I like to do, and slowly try to make myself a better person because of it. Sunny dm'd me, like I asked her to do before I left, and it was fun. Emailing people is just a lot of fun, I think, because it feels so out of the ordinary. Maybe I am just really weird, but I also wish my email could have cooler themes to make it more homely. I did some doodles too, ate a really gross sandwich, and overall just had a really quiet, but peaceful day. I don't know if I want to return to everyone so soon, I don't want to be mean, or rude, or whatever, but it's really overwhelming. Especially with everything else going on, sometimes, just being... actually in the moment outside of all the people I talk to is nice. It helps me feel better, and I feel less crowded. I love my friends, and I will come back sometime, but I think right now I just want to be talked to very rarely, or something like that. Just until I can figure out what the hell I am really doing. I made a Spotify playlist today, and I'm kind of really happy about it which sounds stupid. I wish I could make music too, like femtanyl's songs, I really like them, and I think I would be named Arcofunk or Killer Wattz or maybe both. Not that that would ever happen, because I can't make music either way. Lol! Well, I'm ending the entry here. Nantekodda, everyone! Hope tomorrow is another good day.
Tonda gossa! This is a venting entry. I'm very sorry. I don't feel good, and I really want to take a break from everything. I want to reflect on who I am, and the type of person I am, and how to change, and I feel like being around too many people won't help with that. Recently, I just haven't been feeling like I am a good person. I keep making mistakes, I keep yelling, I keep exerting so much pressure, and worst of all, I am hurting friends and family. I want to give up on everything, that is the state in which I am right now. I want to give up and become absolutely nothing, I want to die, I really want to fucking die. I feel like vomiting, I did vomit, and I feel like dying over and over just to repent for my sins. I suck, I think, but I need to change. I'll try to, and I will change, I'm sorry, I'm so, so, sorry. I need time, so I deleted both Discord and Twitter. Besides neocities's commenting, there is no other way to publicly reach me. I will try to be active here, including updates, but don't expect anything soon. I'm sorry. Goodnight, and nantekodda.
Tonda gossa! Sorry for not writing so much. College has just been sapping away my time, and I haven't really much to write about. I've gotten way more into Patapon than I thought I would, and I really wish that I could own some merchandise for it. I'm hoping that Ratatan will reopen its kickstarter store soon, so I can get some stuff there and be able to back it up. It will be so, so much fun to see Patapon's spiritual successor succeed! My friend Silen has been drawing my Patapon oc, Chako, a lot, and it's making me really happy. However, I think that Chako feels more like both me and Silen's oc than just mine, what with all the cute headcanons and drawings and designs they do for him. I'm really glad I have someone to talk to about Patapon, I'm trying to get more comfortable in the Ratatan server, but Silen is just a really great person and friend overall. Even Clover is super interested in Patapon. I'm super lucky. I wish I had more to talk about, but most of it ends up being stressful stuff. I have a speech that I need to give tomorrow, and I barely even know what I am going to talk about. It sucks, but I'll take it in stride. Sorry for not writing much, but I'll definitely try to write more soon! Nantekodda, everyone!
Tonda gossa! Today certainly was a certainly interesting day. I got to talk to one of my old friends, Molly, and we played some games and had lots of fun just doing dumb stuff. It reminds me of the old Discord groupchat I used to be in with her, but... better for a lot of reasons. I got pretty lonely today, but I'm glad to have a lot of great friends who care about me and like to have fun with me. I'm surprised by how much I changed from so long ago, so I'm so glad that I'm really different now from the kind of person I used to be then. Character development, but in real time, haha. I'm lonely, physically, and I'm really missing a certain someone. I miss his voice, and his smell, and the way he feels when I'm sleeping next to him. Someday I will be able to share a patch of grass with him, and it will be nice. I have to take the bus to college tomorrow. I have no clue what I will be doing for almost 2 hours, but it's ok, I guess. Nantekodda, everyone. Hope tomorrow is a good day!
Tonda gossa! I'll be talking about something other than the usual today. Feel free to skip this reading. If life was nothing more than a cycle, and there was only one way to end it, even at the cost of never being able to see anyone or anything else you knew ever again- basically cutting yourself out of life. Not dying, but leaving life itself, I think I would like to take that chance. There's only so much my sorrorwful eyes can see, and living each day over and over again while time slowly progresses, never being able to die, I think I would no longer like to take part in it. I would have nothing to lose. It is the same reason why I think people who want to be immortal are kind of silly. While the thought of never being able to die sounds nice, it's also horrifying. Death itself scares me, but never being able to greet it and be welcomed by it scares me even more. To see all the events in the world, no matter how trivial, wouldn't it just be filled with hurt? Even robots must die someday. I think that is the beauty of life. You live, essentially, to prepare for death. Not in a macabre, depressing way, but a way where you make your life filled with whatever you want, so that when your time comes, you're content. I think I would never want to die not happy with my life. The thought troubles me. I'm going to end it here, because I have to wake up early tomorrow... Nantekodda!
Tonda gossa! I feel really upset today, but I'm not sure why. I think it's just because I keep feeling like my own boyfriend is pushing me away really often. I feel so embarassed to talk about things I like, and I really feel so fucking stupid around him whenever he gives me such a dry response whenever I show him something that I found really funny, or something that I really liked, or anything I found remotely interesting. I feel so stupid and dumb, and I'm so upset over it. I didn't want to cry as soon as I got home, but I did. I've been having such a horrible week, and the only thing making me feel a little bit better is all of my friends like Nana and Sunny and some of the people in the gc like Soda and Unfreiz and Lugie and even Clover and especially Lura for being such a backbone supporter. I'm so hurt, and I just want to cry lots and lots and take a nap and pray that I don't wake up, but I'm also so super hungry right now. I don't even know if I have any energy too cook. I feel so pathetic and sad. This sucks. I want to write another fic for ao3, I'm not really happy with how Vista ended, but I'm also not sure if I can bring myself to write anything nice because of how everything has been lately, but I also really like making interactions. The thing I wrote about Screen felt so stupid on paper, so maybe I shouldn't write about super deep things until I understand just how to make the feelings connect to the readers. I wanted to write a story about Ninten and Claus throwing messages into the ocean and somehow connecting to each other, but I think I want to write about Lucas and Nana making messages and sending them off together instead, until Lucas writes her a letter himself. It would be really cute, and very sweet. Watching Lugie play Earthbound makes ME want to play Earthbound, and since I played Mother 1 and Mother 3 quite recently, I think it would be a good idea too probably. I'll probably play it sometime when I feel better. Might be nice to actually finish it too. Okay, well, I am ending this entry here. I'm still really upset, plus I gotta write an essay today, so I'm going to move on to do that. Natekodda!
Tonda gossa! Today was... eh. It wasn't good much either, but it became a lot better. I bought myself a chocolate bar from the candy store, and it was nice. I have to go to college a bit early tomorrow so that I can get my id... ugh... Anyways, not much to write about at all for today. I'll try to make life more interesting soon! Nantekodda!
Tonda gossa! Today wasn't much of a good day. Not at all. I have a splitting headache, and I ended up crying lots. I feel less than useless, I feel like a bad person, so I think I am going to write a bit. Sadly, not writing about sweet Clausten fics, or whatever. I'm.. going to write a bit about Screen. I want to give some depth to his, and in turn the rest of the characters. It'll be a different spin on what I want them to be originally, even though depressed MOTHER stuff is kind of normal, especially with a lot of MOTHER inspired rpgs, but I still want to somehow incorporate the old Zach into the new one, even if it felt like a dream to him. I hope tomorrow is a better day. Class wise, today was fun. I'm glad that all of my professors are nice. I'm just... really tired and exhausted of being alive sometimes. Sorry, everyone. Well, Natekodda!
Tonda gossa! I'm writing this while I am at college, because I am super impatient to write the blog for today. College isn't as bad as I thought it would be, but today is the first day after all, and it's on the campus that is a lot easier to navigate. I still have my class for Tuesday/Thursdays that I need to figure out, then of course the bug route, the pass, blah, blah, blah... I have so much to do still, but I am feeling a lot better. My first calss ended super early, so I walked across the street in order to just chill and grab something to eat. I then proceeded to do nothing but... sit outside for so, so long. My first class ends at 11 and my second starts at 2:35, and I really don't have anything to do inbetween. It kind of sucks, but it's whatever I guess. I'm waiting (on the floor) for my next class to start. Not a fan at all of my 2nd class: public speaking. Hope it goes well, I'm really nervous. I also wish I had something to drink, but, eh.. I'm low on cash again. I'll ask my parents for some cash tomorrow, I think. Okay, well, I want to relax a bit more and just chill for now. Thank god it's so much easier than I originally thought. Nantekodda!